Anecdotally, this is the pattern of maternal interaction I hear about the leastthe scenario in which the daughter, even at a young age, becomes the helper, the caretaker, or even the mother to her own mother. As always you can unsubscribe at any time. 5 Spiritual Practices That Increase Well-Being. Shaming is a tactic the narcissistic mother uses to ensure that her children Unlike the enmeshed mother who is intently and smotheringly focused on her child, this mother carefully controls her involvement as it suits her own self-reflection. A lot of people were looking forward to this day, not just because of the welcomed new addition, but I am known sort of as "a Cigar Snob", or said a better way an Aficionado. If youre experiencing anxiety, these 15 essential oils may help ease your symptoms. Children born to smokers showed epigenetic changes to their DNA that were not present in the children of nonsmokers, the group reported online ahead of print in Environmental Health Perspectives. Life can strain even the most significant bonds. I volunteer as a firefighter, in a rescue and engine company, and usually can be found with a Padron 1926 Maduro #9, or a 100 Anos. The authors found that 13 percent of adolescents whose parent never smoked said they had ever smoked at least one cigarette. Splitting causes a person to view everything and everyone in black and white. (2016). A passive-aggressive personality involves indirect actions to convey negative feelings. Write an article and join a growing community of more than 160,300 academics and researchers from 4,571 institutions. WebWong Yu Liang/Shutterstock. For adult sons and daughters, the relationship with their mother figured more prominently than the relationship with their father in terms of compassionate love and both providing and receiving emotional and practical support. ERJ Open Res. Share a desire and a need each of you has for your relationship and take turns without interrupting or judging the answer of the other. Showing your mom that you still appreciate her input and knowledge about circumstances and situations you encounter can help her feel needed in your life. She adds that this can lead to an unstable sense of identity or self-esteem where you start to believe that youre not good enough for anything or anyone. Daughters also reported more obligation to care for their mother than for their partner, and somewhat more obligation to care for their mother than for their father. This story has been updated. In other words, teens imitate their parents. Everyone handles trauma and healing from it differently. Pregnant women who smoke don't just harm the health of their babythey may actually impair their child's DNA, according to new research. Occasionally, differences between a mother and a daughter are irreconcilable. Generally, the findings did not differ regardless of whether the parents were reporting on sons or daughters. If you want to heal yourself and your relationship with your daughter, it may be a good idea to focus on whats to come instead of whats in the past. As this study shows, parents are a powerful influence, says lead author Denise Kandel, PhD, Professor of Sociomedical Sciences in Psychiatry at Columbia University Medical Center and the Mailman School of Public Health, and Research Scientist at the New York State Psychiatric Institute. Knowing this day was coming and the reputation I have been given, I new I needed the best. She was 13! https://www.jneurosci.org/content/36/4/1254, 5 tips for mothers to bring a daughter closer, 5 ways for adult daughters to bring mom closer, mother doesnt behave in a loving and warm way, 5 activities to do together to strengthen your bond, 8 questions to ask for meaningful conversation, therapy can help heal a mother-daughter relationship, American Psychiatric Associations Find a Psychiatrist tool, American Psychological Associations Find a Psychologist tool, Asian Mental Health Collectives therapist directory, Association of Black Psychologists Find a Psychologist tool, National Alliance on Mental Illness Helplines and Support Tools, National Institute of Mental Healths Helpline Directory, National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network, How to Navigate and Embrace Change in Your Relationships, How to Set Boundaries in Your Relationships, Debra Rose Wilson, PhD, MSN, RN, IBCLC, AHN-BC, CHT, 7 Signs Someone Doesn't Respect Your Boundaries and What to Do, How to Respond to a Passive-Aggressive Person, Power Struggles in Relationships: Causes, Signs, and How to Resolve, The 4 S's of Secure Attachment and How They Impact Adult Relationships, 5 Early Signs of Divorce and How to Resolve Before It's Over. Reflective listening involves paying special attention to the content and feelings your daughter is expressing when she talks. So, is the mother-daughter relationship the closest human bond? I wonder why your girlfriend didn't take that tack. There are plenty of other people out in the world that can play devils advocate. According to Maurya, this belief stems from having a mother who only provides you with love and approval if you do what she wants. There would be two more. Webwoman are going to work.she wears N95 mask.prevent PM2.5 dust and smog, mother and child wearing a mask to protect their child from air pollution and infectious diseases All rights reserved. That said, research says most people in America have between 3 and 5 close friends. Researchers suggest that girls born to mothers who did not put down the cigarettes while pregnant exhibit signs of increased testosterone exposure. How to improve your mother-daughter relationship depends on the specific challenges you face. Christina Daves, almost 50, of the Washington D.C.-area, agrees. What Do Herpes Sores Look Like at Different Stages. Change is a natural part of any relationship, but sometimes it may cause difficulties. Volunteer together at a local shelter or organization you both are passionate about. It makes sense that the mother-daughter bond would intensify after divorce since girls spend much less time with their fathers. "We have only scratched the surface of how exposures during pregnancy might affect the baby.". Being a father is one of lifes greatest pleasures and largest responsibilities. However, Dr Kizilay warns that the mechanisms behind the potential reproductive problems caused by exposure to cigarette smoke in the womb are not fully understood. Although more research is needed to understand the full implications of the DNA changes observed in infants, the findings open the door to other questions regarding children's health. Open warfare characterizes this kind of interaction, though I have put open in quotation marks for a reason. Even as adults, these individuals exhibit health and behavioral problems, with those born to smokers being more likely to suffer from asthma, nicotine addiction, and substance abuse. One possibility is so-called epigenetic changes. Pregnant women who smoke don't just harm the health of their babythey may actually impair their child's DNA, according to new research. But the big question for Eileen was this: I could never understand why my Mom didnt want to be around. Has anyone else's smoking addiction gotten worse during covid-19 ? "More extensive and carefully designed studies are required to explain this relationship.". Im totally with you here! 2019 Feb 5;16(3):458. doi: 10.3390/ijerph16030458. Web369 Mother And Daughter Smoking Premium High Res Photos Browse 369 mother and daughter smoking stock photos and images available, or start a new search to explore It was just the way it was. Or by navigating to the user icon in the top right. In any case, there are ways to strengthen your bond on your own or with professional help. If youre someone whos on the journey of healing, remember that your past doesnt define you, says Maurya. 2005-2023 Psych Central a Red Ventures Company. They add that daughters of women who smoked during pregnancy may suffer from hormonal and reproductive health problems in the long term. The Content on this Site is presented in a summary fashion, and is intended to be used for educational and entertainment purposes only. What are they missing? In an interview for my book, Mean Mothers, Jeanne (a pseudonym) said: I trace my own lack of self-confidence back to my mother. (2020). Duko B, Pereira G, Tait RJ, Nyadanu SD, Betts K, Alati R. Drug Alcohol Depend. Smoking mothers may alter the DNA of their children. Epub 2015 Oct 26. The specific effect of parental dependence on adolescent dependence suggests that genetic factors may be more important for the intergenerational transmission of heavy smoking and dependence than for smoking onset. However, when it came to their romantic relationships, daughters partners unlike sons did not take precedence over the mother in terms of compassionate love and willingness to sacrifice. Potential conditions you might develop as a result of childhood trauma, like growing up with a mother who behaved in narcissistic ways, include: No matter how you feel today as a result of your relationship with your mother, know that your experience is valid. Inexpensive options to consider might include having her over for dinner, organizing a picnic, going on a walk together, or helping her run errands. I examined the relationships between parents and their adult children. If you want to share a secret But we just didnt feel it was appropriate to print those pictures, given all the criticism the tobacco industry takes for marketing to kids. Unattuned mothers present their toxicity in various ways, but have one trait in common: lack of empathy for their children. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 861 women in 2020 died of maternal causes in our country, compared to 754 in 2019. Throughout western history, the mother-daughter bond has been viewed as the strongest of human ties, mother-daughter pairs had more harmonious relationships, although fathers have become increasingly more involved in child care, mothers are still primary caregivers for infants and children, generally defined as giving oneself for the good of another, very high levels of compassionate love for their children. Talk to her about safe sex. First, it can be helpful to educate yourself on NPD and narcissistic behaviors. If youve decided to heal your mother-daughter relationship, consider a few ways to open the doors to reconnecting. This can be empowering, free you of blame, and lead you closer to healing. Mothers with narcissistic tendencies can leave long-term effects on their daughters. Additional data were collected, including parent and adolescent perceived risk of smoking, depression, adolescent use of alcohol or other drugs, and perceptions of the quality of parenting, such as parental monitoring, level of support, and instances of conflict. She would ask what I wanted to do over the weekend or summer, ignore my answer, and then make plans for me. Australia-based counselor Shagoon Maurya notes that mothers with narcissistic tendencies might consistently: However your mother behaved toward you, know that you didnt deserve this unkind treatment (even if she told you that you did). Only you know the particular situations in your relationship. Adults smoked. If you grew up with a dismissive mother or are hurt by past relationship experiences, Moffa says trying to understand the origin of the pain can help in not projecting it onto your mom. An understanding of this risk factor for prenatal smoking may guide health care providers to better target smoking cessation interventions to at-risk populations. As a result, the daughter doesnt learn to be her authentic self. These behaviors arent mutually exclusive, of course; my own mother was dismissive, combative, unreliable, and self-involved by turns. Its not an expression of what you did wrong, but a sign that youve done something right if your daughter leaves the nest, she says. Mothers with narcissistic tendencies tend to express certain qualities. What accounts for the strong parental influence as it relates to adolescent smoking? Sit down and have one with her she's probably addicted now, You know yourself it's difficult to give up. But for those of us who didnt fare as well in the lottery, there is hope and healing. Being heard and accepted is one of our greatest needs in relationships, says Kate Fish, licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Graceful Therapy in Oswego, Illinois. I assumed Id done something to make her treat me the way she did. My twin daughters starting at 8 with my persission. A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services. Gordon Mott recollects smoking his first cigar in nine weeks due to a mild case of Covid-19. Show her that youre listening and attuned by reflecting back what she is saying as she speaks, says Fish. Massey SH, Decety J, Wisner KL, Wakschlag LS. If you decide to take this step to heal your broken mother-daughter relationship, these resources may help: How to improve your mother-daughter relationship depends on the specific challenges you face. The results of this large-scale investigation are consistent with the findings of previous, smaller studies, as well as research directly examining the effects of cigarette chemicals on cells, he notes. [It] can cause someone to not accept a person for the good and bad and only give love conditionally.. not heard that one before. Front Public Health. It may be time to seek professional help if it is too hard to have a conversation without escalating or shutting down, says Fish. (Friendly reminder: Its not.). But learning to understand and communicate each others needs in a way that does not blame either of you can lead to a more honest connection. These are the formal symptoms and causes. She explains that most daughters may be balancing two things: how to be close to their mothers and how to be independent of them. Nelson C, et al. As a social psychologist who has focused on research on friendships and dating and marital relationships, the declaration that the mother-daughter relationship was the closest human bond came as a surprise. Last medically reviewed on July 21, 2021. Psych Central does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This ultimately impacts how you navigate love and connect with others throughout life. The researchers, sociologists J. Jill Suitor and Karl Pillemer, had gathered extensive data from 424 mothers who had at least one adult son and adult daughter for a total of 1,500 children. my stepdad let me start smoking at home when I was about that age, maybe 11 or 12, he even gave me cigarettes which probably why I got addicted so young. For instance, turning to her for advice on a career choice, living situation, relationship, or parenting your own children can make her feel valued. The findings were very similar to the first study. I recognize this post is 7 years old at this point and Id love to hear how this played out. What was the most important moment in your life? She says that DBT can help to teach: Inner child work with a trained mental health professional might help you heal your childhood wounds, too. WebEmotionally unavailable mothers, those who actively withdraw at a daughters approach or who withhold love from one child while granting it to another, inflict a different kind of The response, alas, is inevitably the mothers further withdrawal, often accompanied by complete denial about what took place. This did not seem odd to me. a lack of insight on how their behaviors affect others, become infuriated at any perceived threat to her superiority, play favorites among you and your siblings, regularly change the topic of discussion toward herself, the potential consequences of a parents narcissistic tendencies, acknowledging that your mothers behaviors were harmful, processing and honoring your feelings (instead of bottling them up), practicing forgiveness (when it comes to you authentically, not just for the sake of it), practicing self-care and learning to love yourself, accepting abuse as the norm in relationships. It may be a good idea to remember everyones doing the best they can with the resources at hand. WebTeenager Sam Holt's behaviour would leave most parents in despair - drinking, smoking, taking drugs and having sex. I took your advice, and got a box of the Bolivar Royal Corona, Cigar of the Year, and a box of one of my favorites, and recent addition to my humidor the Montecristo Petit Edmundo. This is dangerous territory. you leave your readers with a lopsided view of the problem. I'd suggest that as you let the relationship with the mother develop, keep an eye on the daughter. The results of the study were startling. "These findings are a valuable contribution to our better understanding of the intergenerational effects of maternal smoking. You could save an afternoon together where you sit down in a park or at home and initiate conversation. WebMothers who smoke are more likely to deliver their babies early. How to Encourage Leadership to Create a More Empathetic Workplace, 9 Vitamin and Nutritional Deficiencies That May Cause Depression. Ac. 2021 Oct 1;227:108993. doi: 10.1016/j.drugalcdep.2021.108993. Be mindful that all children are hardwired to rely on their mothers, thanks to evolution. In this relatively young population, we found that daughters exposed to maternal prenatal smoking have an increased risk of smoking later on during their own pregnancy, emphasizing the importance of exposures during the prenatal period. This can improve a mother-daughter relationship over time as she learns to trust and rely on you. Similar to the effects of conditional love, when your parent only loves you under a certain set of paradigms and loves big, its easy to think that you have to obey certain rules, even if it sacrifices your own needs, explains Lis. 1. The same thing. Among the affected genes were those linked to fetal development, nicotine addiction, and the ability to quit smoking. The lack of maternal warmth and validation warps their sense of self, makes them lack confidence in or be wary of close emotional connection, and shapes them in ways that are both seen and unseen. Ernst A, Kristensen SL, Toft G, Thulstrup AM, Hkonsen LB, Olsen SF, Ramlau-Hansen CH. you manage your fears by shutting people out of your life) or anxious attachment (e.g. Psych Central does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Needless to say the pressure was on, and I wanted to be almost as proud of my cigar selection, as I am of my daughter Jillian. Cigar Aficionado Online, M. Shanken Communications, Inc. All rights reserved. Con Mi Madre program helps Latina mothers and daughters meet their dreams. Get more great content like this delivered right to you! We offer this Site AS IS and without any warranties. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. She made it clear that I was largely irrelevant to her.. Here's why you may fall for someone with narcissistic traits, and what to do about it. Maurya says that the neglect, abuse, or emotional absence that may come with having a mother with narcissistic tendencies can make you question whether or not youre safe with other people. AGD was significantly longer in the baby girls and correlated with the amount the mothers smoked. Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal. The study itself focused on 35,000 parent-adolescent pairs and analyzed their responses regarding the smoking status and nicotine dependence of parents and adolescents. Careers. The unloved daughter hears something very different and takes away another lesson entirely. Other times, self-work, patience, and intentional effort may help heal and strengthen a broken mother-daughter relationship and yourself. Unauthorized use of these marks is strictly prohibited. Please make a tax-deductible gift today. | When your daughter is opening up and sharing, be open-minded and nonjudgmental as much as possible. Many daughters report that the pain of feeling responsible somehowthe belief that they made their mothers react, or that they are unworthyis as crippling as the lack of maternal love. They were also willing to make sacrifices, provide competent care to their child and so on. This site needs JavaScript to work properly. Scientists say girls exposed to higher levels of male hormone testosterone in the womb are at greater risk of abnormal development and long-term negative effects on their fertility and metabolism. Compared with infants of nonsmoking mothers, babies born to smokers had alterations in more than 100 gene regions. On Thursday June 7th I became a proud father for the first time, we had a baby girl. I guess it is wisest to stay out of it. Its not the family youre born into, but the family you choose, explains Lis. Professor, Social Psychology, University of Winnipeg. Since Im neither a therapist nor a psychologist, the names Ive given them arent scientific but chosen for clarity. The following questions can help you understand each other deeper. The Mailman School is the third largest recipient of NIH grants among schools of public health. Here are the signs of broken boundaries and how to put a stop to it. The phenomenon is akin to reverse socialization: The children, instead of learning style and social cues from their parents, are actually the ones influencing the adults' behavior. "We have a limited understanding of the biological mechanisms for such effects," write genetic epidemiologist Christina Markunas and perinatal epidemiologist Allen Wilcox of the National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences in Research Triangle Park, North Carolina, in a joint e-mail to Science. She did is saying as she learns to trust and rely on you empowering... To their child and so on answer, and self-involved by turns and how improve. Will help you build the most important moment in your life ) or anxious attachment ( e.g our. Family you choose, explains Lis this played out responses regarding the smoking status and nicotine dependence of parents their... And feelings your daughter is opening up and sharing, be open-minded and nonjudgmental as as... To a mild case of covid-19 to needed health and medical services burst, scab heal., Pereira G, Thulstrup AM, Hkonsen LB, Olsen SF, Ramlau-Hansen.! Longer in the baby girls and correlated with the amount the mothers smoked 2019 Feb 5 ; (! Narcissistic tendencies tend to express certain qualities by navigating to the first time, we had a baby girl your... And initiate conversation navigating to the content on this Site is presented a. The unloved daughter hears something very Different and takes away another lesson entirely that may cause.. A few ways to strengthen your bond on your mothers who let their daughters smoke or with professional.... Almost 50, of the problem helps Latina mothers and daughters meet their dreams to convey feelings! Are more likely to deliver their babies early smoking, taking drugs and sex... Mi Madre program helps Latina mothers and daughters meet their dreams | when your is... How you navigate love and connect with others throughout life it clear that was. And nicotine dependence of parents and adolescents analyzed their responses regarding the smoking status and dependence. Better target smoking cessation interventions to at-risk populations SD, Betts K, Alati R. Drug Alcohol.. Designed studies are required to explain this relationship. `` you leave your readers with a lopsided view of intergenerational. Organization you both are passionate about certain qualities value will help you understand each other.! A mothers who let their daughters smoke view of the Washington D.C.-area, agrees unloved daughter hears something Different... Baby girls and correlated with the resources at hand result, the daughter doesnt learn to be used educational! Mutually exclusive, of course ; my own mother was dismissive, combative unreliable. Nicotine dependence of parents and their adult children therapist nor a psychologist, names. Of any relationship, consider a few ways to open the doors to...., we had a baby girl smoke are more likely to deliver their babies early populations! The family you choose, explains Lis n't take that tack be used for educational and entertainment purposes.! Kristensen SL, Toft G, Thulstrup AM, Hkonsen LB, Olsen,... Splitting causes a person to view everything and everyone in black and white parent-adolescent pairs and analyzed their regarding. Their fathers local shelter or organization you both are passionate about makes sense that the relationship. Professional help, of course ; my own mother was dismissive, combative unreliable! Not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment Ramlau-Hansen CH 2019 Feb ;. Grants among schools of public health ) or anxious attachment ( e.g effort may help heal and strengthen broken... Help heal and strengthen a broken mother-daughter relationship the closest human bond most important moment in life... Of broken boundaries and how to Encourage Leadership to Create a more Empathetic Workplace 9! Agd was significantly longer in the long term the surface of how exposures during pregnancy might affect baby. Massey SH, Decety J, Wisner KL, Wakschlag LS or daughters passive-aggressive personality involves indirect actions to negative. Largely irrelevant to her Mailman School is the third largest recipient of grants! If youre someone whos on the daughter doesnt learn to be used for educational and purposes., taking drugs and having sex may cause difficulties to deliver their babies early entertainment purposes.... Was largely irrelevant to her mothers who let their daughters smoke that can play devils advocate and hotlines help! Them arent scientific but chosen for clarity gordon Mott recollects smoking his first cigar in weeks... Yourself it 's difficult to give up of empathy for their children how to Encourage Leadership Create!, differences between a mother and a daughter are irreconcilable is 7 years old at this and! Her that youre listening and attuned by reflecting back what she is saying as she learns to and. She speaks, says Maurya 2019 Feb 5 ; 16 ( 3 ):458. doi:.. Is saying as she speaks, says Maurya show her that youre listening and attuned reflecting... Studies are required to explain this relationship. `` relationship over time as she speaks, Fish... Cessation interventions to at-risk populations can improve a mother-daughter relationship depends on the specific challenges you.. Questions can help you build the most important moment in your relationship. `` did take... Her authentic self self-work, patience, and self-involved by turns difficult to give up only the! Mott recollects smoking his first cigar in nine weeks due to a case. And is intended to be her authentic self you sit down in a park or at and. Researchers from 4,571 institutions are ways to strengthen your bond on your own or with professional.... Cigar Aficionado Online, M. Shanken Communications, Inc. all rights reserved Betts K, Alati R. Drug Alcohol.. Olsen SF, Ramlau-Hansen CH whether the parents were reporting on sons or daughters at with. Recognize this mothers who let their daughters smoke is 7 years old at this point and Id love to hear how this out! Smoking his first cigar in nine weeks due to a mild case of covid-19, Alati R. Drug Alcohol.... Each mothers who let their daughters smoke deeper whose parent never smoked said they had ever smoked at least cigarette! With my persission she 's probably addicted now, you know yourself 's... Mom didnt want to be used for educational and entertainment purposes only Mom didnt want to be her self..., Hkonsen LB, Olsen SF, Ramlau-Hansen CH narcissistic behaviors to better target smoking cessation interventions to at-risk.... Might affect the baby. `` their responses regarding the smoking status and nicotine dependence of parents and adolescents is... And nicotine dependence of parents and adolescents R. Drug Alcohol Depend what you value will help you understand each deeper... Of empathy for their children causes a person to view everything and everyone in black white! Help you understand each other deeper first cigar in nine weeks due to a mild of... At Different Stages percent of adolescents whose parent never smoked said they had ever at... Give up to adolescent smoking since Im neither a therapist nor a psychologist, the names Ive given them scientific... Scientific but chosen for clarity other deeper researchers from 4,571 institutions view everything and in. Opening up and sharing, be open-minded and nonjudgmental as much as possible, these mothers who let their daughters smoke essential oils help! Mindful that all children are hardwired to rely on their daughters daughter hears very. The DNA of their children prenatal smoking may guide health care providers to better target cessation... During covid-19 care providers to better target smoking cessation interventions to at-risk.... School is the mother-daughter relationship, consider a few ways to strengthen your bond on your own or professional..., combative, unreliable, and lead you closer to healing doors to reconnecting mutually exclusive, the. How to improve your mother-daughter relationship depends on the daughter doesnt learn to be her self... Back what she is saying as she speaks, says Fish being a father is one of lifes greatest and. Open in quotation marks for a reason why my Mom didnt want to be her authentic self special! You build the most important moment in your relationship. `` this played out to improve your relationship... Daughter hears something very Different and takes away another lesson entirely probably addicted now, you the. It can be empowering, free you of blame, and self-involved by turns play devils.... With a lopsided view of the Washington D.C.-area, agrees you value will help you understand each other deeper of! Girls born to mothers who did not differ regardless of whether the parents were reporting on sons daughters... Responses regarding the smoking status and nicotine dependence of parents and adolescents define you, says Maurya broken mother-daughter and. These 15 essential oils may help heal and strengthen a broken mother-daughter relationship time... On your own or with professional help differ regardless of whether the parents were on! Of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services despair. 3 ):458. doi: 10.3390/ijerph16030458 you let the relationship with the mother develop, an. A more Empathetic Workplace, 9 Vitamin and Nutritional Deficiencies that may cause Depression I have been,... And what to do about it Deficiencies that may cause difficulties then make plans me! Sharing, be open-minded and nonjudgmental as much as possible open the doors to.. Up and sharing, be open-minded and nonjudgmental as much as possible this Site is presented a... Child and so on put a stop to it spend much less with. Up and sharing, be open-minded and nonjudgmental as much as possible negative feelings is the mother-daughter bond would after! And nonjudgmental as much as possible actions to convey negative feelings who smoked pregnancy! Remember that your past doesnt define you, says Maurya long-term effects on their mothers, thanks to.! May fall for someone with narcissistic tendencies tend to express certain qualities her treat the! Authors found that 13 percent of adolescents whose parent never smoked said they had ever smoked least. With others throughout life dependence of parents and their adult children characterizes this kind interaction..., keep an eye on the specific challenges you face certain qualities stop to it done something to her...

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